Yeah, so I did that obnoxiously typical thing where I start a blog full of enthusiasm, tell a few people about it, get behind on storytelling, am eventually consumed by overwhelm of all the new stuff to talk about, and don't write anything for months. But I'm back! A friend of mine started her own excellent, amusing and prolific poly blog, The Philosophy of Non-Monogamy, in which she reviews poly resource sites, which got me thinking about what, exactly, I ever hoped to achieve with this diversion.
I don't want to set myself up as a poly expert dispensing advice to those poor chums in need of it--I'm not remotely qualified. I don't want to bring together an online community of like-minded people--I have such a thing in meatspace, and it's delightful and sufficient. I do want to be a little bit exhibitionist, because I like it and it always astonishes and delights me that there are people out there who will fulfill my wishes by reading; I do want a forum in which to share personal stories about my experiences in the sexual realm freely, because I'm a storyteller by trade and I think this shit is interesting. So. After a cursory self-examination, I conclude that all my motivations for having this blog are entirely selfish. Which means, per my New Year's resolution to spend lots of time doing creative things that make me happy, that I should never have spent so much time not writing. So there. If it annoys you, you can, you know, leave. Or write an obnoxious comment. I don't think I have any comments at all yet, so even obnoxious ones are welcome.
So what's gone on in my life since the last post? The Prince and I went to visit Duchess J in her rural writing-retreat cabin in October, and I spent a week pretending that life might be able to be like that for real. The blissful domestic vision of three sweethearts living together, sharing lives, seems just impossibly romantic and ridiculously practical. One stays home with the baby--there's still two incomes! Etc. When all's said and done, I don't know the Duchess all that well, but I'm pretty certain she's not on board with that vision in this particular case. It'll have to wait for another configuration of life to come around.
But hey! What a neat visit. We cooked (well, for the most part she cooked, and excellently), played games, sat by the fire, made love, took minor walks and road trips. Saw a part of the US I'd never seen. No huge emotional tremors. Bliss and comfort. Affection and great conversation. Really hot sex. Maybe three minor tremors, which I shall take the time to describe because really, the hard stuff is way more interesting than the lovely stuff.
One was a day or two in. We were getting ready to leave the house, and I ran upstairs to get something I had forgotten on the way out the door. Prince B called after me to grab his coat, too, which I did. I came back into the kitchen to Prince B and Duchess J kissing tenderly by the door. I stood there for a brief moment, feeling awkward, holding the Prince's coat but not feeling like it was the right moment to give it to him. Though I had certainly seen them kiss many times, this was the first time on this trip that I felt like maybe it was a private moment that I shouldn't interrupt. I mean, you know, you see two people kissing and gazing into each other's eyes, typically you leave them alone. But typically, they're also not both your lovers. So it was really mostly a moment of social awkwardness, colored by my awareness of the potential emotional ramifications, testing my mood cautiously like one might wiggle a loose tooth with their tongue. No pain came. But the awkwardness persisted until they broke off and acknowledged me.
The second was a day or two later. We woke up (and how delightful to wake up for several mornings in a row next to *two* people you're ecstatic to be in bed with!) cuddling. We'd had sex the three of us most mornings, and things looked rather like they were headed that way this morning, but I didn't feel particularly horny just then; I think I was still a little tired. I watched the two of them make out and resisted their attempts to draw me in and finally said "hey, you go ahead, I'm not feeling horny." My Prince said something like "Are you sure that's ok?" and I said something like "yes! Just let me watch." (dialogue paraphrased due to all this actually happening three months ago.) So I watched them have sex with each other, as I had done before at Burning Man. It was actually quite nice, a lovely show, and it did start to arouse me, but I was sort of digging the experience of enjoying voyeurism (not my typical mode) so I let them be. And then she came, and still wanted more sex, and then I started feeling insecure. I usually have what I like to describe as masculine orgasms, which is to say that I come and then I really want to lay there for a while and enjoy that feeling, and then I want to take a shower or go to sleep. When playing in bed, if I'm concerned that my partner come, I try to make sure they do it before me, because I know I'm kinda useless post-orgasm for a little while. Not 100% of the time; just often enough for it to be my norm. It doesn't help that I'm awfully sensitive down there, and continued sex tends to hurt if it goes on too long.
But there was Duchess J, post-O, wanting more and getting it. And the little demon that lives inside me was all "Oh god, I am sexually boring; Oh god, she's more fun to have sex with than me; Oh god, I bet the Prince wishes I was like her."
But this little tremor happened to occur in the presence of people I adored and trusted. So when they were done with each other, I could reach out my hand and say: "okay, so I got a little insecure there," and tell them why. And then I was immediately surrounded by those two naked trusted adored bodies, holding me close and telling me that it was actually totally, completely fine that I didn't want more sex after coming, that they both still really liked sex with me (of course) and I cried a little and they didn't freak out, and then I could laugh it away. And I still have this totally hot memory of them fucking each other. So that was awfully nice and made me feel closer to both of them.
The rest of the trip proceeded without emotional incident. We got to meet the Duchess's mom (who is so like my own mother, on first meeting, that I wanted very badly to introduce our families) and we all got kinda grumpy on one of the last days (all of us being people to whom solitude is important, five or six solid days of constant company gets on everyone's nerves) and parted sweetly.
The Prince and I proceeded to have a fairly intense conversation on the 2.5-hour drive back to the airport that I have mostly forgotten. I do remember that it felt strange to be just the two of us again; that in some ways a relief and some ways a disappointment; that the shifting paradigm caused us some fear. We are not in a relationship with the Duchess that is equivalent to the level of immersion we have with each other. The prospect of doing so with somebody, though, grows increasingly desirable, especially after a week like the one we'd just had. But--as Prince B put it--it's like standing on a floating log in a river, and seeing another log to put a foot on. But in order to do so, you have to remove one of your feet from the log you're currently standing on, which is an awfully precarious operation.
Upon returning home, the three of our emails to each other, which had flown thick and fast between Burning Man and this visit, diminished considerably. Chalk it up to a decrease in tension? We know each other better now. An increase in busy-ness? That was certainly true of my life. A decrease in interest? Not on my part. I hope not on the others'. I can't speak for them, and the fact that they'll both read this makes me want to stop there. But you know--a relationship gets past the intoxicating early stages, something shifts, things could go in many directions...
The Duchess is visiting our town at the moment, the first we've seen of her since the trip described here. We've had a couple of dates. It's wonderful to see her again, talk, touch. She is continuing her writing here; we have somewhat incompatible schedules; there are many people here with claims on her time. But the glimpses that we get of each other make me happy. It's been interesting to see how this person's presence integrates into the Prince's and my lives; I was nervous at first about them hanging out alone together, discovered that it was okay with me. Prince B remains brilliantly forthcoming. Jealousy has failed to rear its ugly head. My only insecurity now is: does she still like us? Entangled otherwise as she is, do we still make a blip on her radar? She's reading this now and maybe shaking her head at me, maybe giggling now as she gets called out, biting her lovely lip. I don't know. It was wonderful to see you the other night, Duchess. Let's do that again soon.
And now I must off to rehearsal! Quick other updates from Princess P-land: Rawr and I have been developing a lovely dalliance over cozy brunches, and I'm starting to value my time with her quite a bit as comfy and energizing. Had an interesting conversation with SweetD about why I *didn't* want to see him, despite having a thing with his girlfriend; that's a topic for another post, if I am energetic about it later. Short version is that he's awesome and my life is too complicated. For real! He doesn't know about this blog, so I can be honest. It's not a fakey it's-not-you-it's-me thing. There's another boy, un-nicknamed as yet, who is dragging his feet about confirming a second date with me, much to my wistful sighs. Prince B is starting to date a couple of new ladies, neither of them regularly yet, one of whom I am enthusiastically in support of because I want to get to know her better. All this and more in the next installment. Stay tuned...
With love and lust,
PrincessP
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